


When All is Lost

by Fandom_Overload7890



Category: Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard
Genre: Angst, Cal gets emotional, Character Study, Future Fic, Gen, I Blame Tumblr, I Tried, I barely edited this, I don't know why I wrote this, I love Maven, I wrote this really late at night, I'm Bad At Tagging, Why Did I Write This?, so forgive me for errors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Overload7890/pseuds/Fandom_Overload7890
Summary: At the end of the day, Cal loves his brother





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the Red Queen or any of the characters. I'm not Victoria Aveyard

The misty weather felt somehow appropriate. It was if the world was somehow telling him that they didn't want to see what was about to happen. The last drops of rain were still falling as he made his way across the property. The water smoked against the fabric of his coat. He was too hot, he needed to cool down. To relax. His breath came out in short pants, the white cloud blending in with the gray sky. The ground was damp, and it bent underneath Cal's foot as he walked across the grass. He shouldn't be doing this. He knew that. But for some reason, he couldn't stay away.

He arrived to the right spot. Or at least, what he thought was the right place. He couldn't always be sure. The plot wasn't marked very well. He could have put up more of a fight to make the grave more noticeable. But then he would have to explain himself. Explain why he wanted to remember him. No one wanted to remember dead royalty, especially when they died young. (Especially when no one wanted to remember them).

Cal sucked in a deep breath. He was always nervous when he got here. People say it's normal to talk to people after they die, but Cal wasn't sure that this is what they had in mind. Cal didn't even have this in mind when he first came here. The first time he came it was because he left his key to his cycle. He came back to look through the grass for it and ended up staying to talk to someone who wasn't even here anymore. When he got back to the palace and Mare asked him what took so long, he muttered quickly that it took him a while to find his keys. He just knew that he couldn't tell her. It wasn't a good idea. If Cal was being honest, he wasn't sure if this whole thing was a good idea. He shouldn't have come here. But his feet remained planted.

"It's weird having you gone," he spoke to his silent surroundings. "The palace is quiet. I remember walking in the halls with you. We would be talking about lessons and training. Maybe even court gossip. I was always critiquing you. I just wanted to help you,” his voice cracked, “you were my little brother, it was my job to drive you nuts.” Cal’s throat felt raw in a way that it only felt when he was about to cry. He swallowed hard in an effort to push down the feeling. He gave a harsh and bitter laugh. 

“I guess you were already nuts. I was so naïve then. I never even knew. I was so wrapped up in myself and impressing Father that I didn’t pay attention to you when it really mattered. Maybe if I did, all of this,” Cal gestured with his hands to empty space, “could have been avoided.” Cal felt tears prickle in the corners of his eyes. Why couldn't he keep it together? He shouldn't be crying, he's a Calore. He's stronger than this.

"When did you grow up? When did you stop being my little brother and become that monster? Were you ever him, the sweet kid that I knew who was afraid of the dark? Or was it all a lie? Am I just mourning some mirage? Some person Elara invented to keep me and Father in the dark. Mare said that you remember loving me. Is that true? Because I need it to be true. I need to know that I used to have a brother who cared about me the way I care about you. Yeah, that's right, I still love you. I know I shouldn't. I should be glad you're dead, but I'm not. I shouldn’t care about you after all the harm that you caused. You killed our Father!” He was shouting now but he didn’t care. He needed to say this.”You murdered innocents! I shouldn’t care about you, but for some fucking reason,” he lowered his voice into a whisper, “I miss you.”

“I can't say anything to anyone but here's my confession. Right here, right now. I still love my brother. Despite everything you did. I love you," his voice broke from the intensity of his emotions, "so much Mavey. I miss you. Please come back. Please stop being dead." A tear slipped down his face.

Ever since he died, Cal had been subject to hearing cheers all over the place. He's finally gone. Thank goodness they killed him. He was a monster. It all made Cal want to scream. He wasn't always like that, he imagined saying, he was kind once. Don't you guys remember? He was my brother, we would play board games and avoid girls at parties. He danced with Soyna Iral for two songs just to give me a break. He wasn't always evil. But Cal says nothing, because in the end it wouldn't matter. They would still hate him. They would still see him as nothing but the deranged monster he was forced to become. 

Cal remembered after Mare came back from being held prisoner by him. He told her that he had been looking for a Newblood whisper in hopes that they could fix Maven. Cal almost snorted. Having that slimmer of hope was foolish. There was no way to save his brother. What Elara did to him was too much. She rearranged him so much that there was no hope of recovering his mind from the ruins that it was in. His brother was lost before he even knew it. 

He can't talk about this with Mare. She seemed so relieved. She started sleeping better knowing that the monster couldn't get her anymore. He can't burden her with his longings for a man she hates. A man she killed.

Cal wiped the tears from his face. He took a ragged deep breath. "Do you remember the time Father took us hunting? We spent the whole day in the woods near Albanus, and Father was determined to teach us how to shoot and kill an animal. It was your first time using a gun. You were so afraid. Your hands kept shaking and you couldn't shoot straight.” Cal forced a laugh. “Father got so annoyed that you kept scaring the animals away. I was frustrated that you scared the animals away before I got a chance to go. I'm not frustrated anymore. I would do anything to go back to that day." Cal closed his eyes for a moment. He needed to do this. He needed to let go of the last ghost of his family. He needed to make peace.

"Goodbye Maven. I love you," He turned and left. If he looked back, he knew that he would never leave.

(That didn't stop him from standing at the edge of the property for twenty minutes. He couldn't leave his brother all alone so easily.)

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is short but I had to get it off my chest. 
> 
> I'm not exactly sure why I wrote this. I just thought it was very unrealistic that Cal would just be okay with killing his brother, when in the books it's shown that he fluctuates between wanting him dead and wanting to save him. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave kudos and comments, I seriously live off them. Come fangirl about the Red Queen with me on tumblr (Same username).


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